What Do I Know?

What Do I Know?

Very little in the grand scheme of things.

What do I know about what you should know?

Even less than very little. Nothing, in fact.

That might be a good thing to know. For both of us.


Discover Fee Discovering Silence

A Road Less Travelled

I’ve been for the last official goodbye to my Dad. Down in his home town of Newark for a memorial service. Below are my final thoughts, the ones I shared at his cremation.

When Dad lived in Newark and would come to visit us in Campbeltown he loved the  440 odd mile drive up here to see us. And he used to have his own way of getting here, often avoiding motorways and taking smaller roads in the general direction of The North West. After crossing the Scottish border at Gretna he would always come off the M74 and drive on the B7076 which, along with other B roads, follows the motorway most of the way to Glasgow.

Last week, with Ineke, we were driving home ourselves, from Manchester, and on the way I decided I was going to follow in Dad’s footsteps so to speak. We left the motorway at Gretna and took his journey on a lovely,  quiet road for about 70 miles. I’m glad we did it. I think we’ll be doing it again in the future.

It was a nice way for me to make a connection with Dad. That was something I had always struggled to do. I was very different from him, and he probably struggled just as much connecting with me, especially after I lost my faith. I know that was a disappointment to him. But I like to think that he respected the fact that I was not just believing something out of a sense of obligation, but that I was genuinely trying to find the truth as it made sense to me. Whether that is the case or not, I know that the one thing we had in common, if nothing else, was an inclination to follow that road less travelled.

Dad, as you know, trained as an accountant. And to be honest, there was nobody more cut out to be an accountant than Dad. If you asked him, in later years, for memories and anecdotes from his childhood, you would struggle to get anything. On the other hand, he could still remember the telephone number of the neighbour who lived next door to them at Parkdale Road in Nottingham when he was boy.

Dad and Numbers went together like peas in a pod.

And yet….partly because of his faith, and partly i suspect because he married Mum, and maybe  also because he himself had a hidden anarchic streak, he ended up doing things and being things that were almost at odds with what appeared to be his fundamental character.

I suspect his adult life must have been a challenge to him in ways that we didn’t always appreciate, and though we, of course, weren’t privy to all the decision making that went on, I do think, in retrospect, that it was an unusual life journey for somebody like Dad to take.

Firstly, he left a potentially long, lucrative and secure career in accounting to go to Bible College. Doing things like singing and preaching in the streets of Birmingham. Afterwards moving in with another family for a while near Wolverhampton. Then to suburbia in Toton, Nottingham where he became a lay preacher in the Methodist church and  returned to accountancy in a self employed capacity. He was always a generous man, and I’m pretty sure many of his clients then were people who couldn’t afford a more  usual accountant.

In Toton people came and lived in our house with us at times. We got a car, a Ford Corsair, which my Uncle Peter, as well as fixing the engine, painted bright Dulux green on each cigar shaped side, and splatted with a big “Hallelujah” sticker on the front bonnet. There weren’t many of those kind of cars in Toton. Just the one in fact. And, again, my Dad would have been the last person you would have thought to be its owner.

And later still he became a full time minister. This time in, of all things, a Pentecostal church. I say “of all things” for the very same reasons. Our formal and proper father didn’t seem the obvious choice for a church denomination where they notoriously swing from the chandeliers. Never the less, Dad took that step too.

And he learnt to swing in his own way.

For most of his later years, Dad worked for the pentecostal Assemblies of God denomination as their accountant. That might have been a case of all his passions coming together. During that time he lived and worked in Newark. He retired while he was there. And then, quite soon, he had to take care, for a number of years, and with very great dedication and love, of our Mum, while she had dementia.

Finally, Dad himself became in need of more care. And he came to live with us in Campbeltown, with my sister and her family close by as well, who provided so much help.

In his 8 months living here he settled in well and became a known face in Campbeltown, and a part of his new community. I’m personally so glad he was here for these final few months, and that the end didn’t come when he was alone in his old house with all of us miles away. And, in reflection, I’m glad for his sake, that after he went through the trauma of breaking his hip, and the long day of procedures and travel to Glasgow, that the end, in the end, was quick.

In our last conversation together on Saturday morning four weeks ago, he made a joke about me missing his mouth when I tried to give him a drink of water before he went down for the surgery.

And that was it. Two hours later I got the news, and I was spending my final half hour alone in his company. It was good to have a phone call with my sister Julie, allowing us to share those initial painful moments of shock and grief.

I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who has loved and supported Dad over the years, and to those who have expressed their gratitude for being loved and supported by Dad.

And thank you for loving and supporting us now.

Life is a wonderful and special privilege and our Dad definitely spent his life on A Road Less Travelled.

I plan to carry on, carrying on that tradition.

Discover Fee’s Journey To The End Of The Earth

“Ooh, Look, A Squirrel”

The past can bury little grenades of anger into our psyche.

The blunt way to deal with them, when they turn up in our conscious minds, is to pull the pin and kick out at something. Like a wall. Or someone. Whom we love. Clearly this is not a good solution. Far more likely to lead to more problems and more anger. Broken toes and damaged hearts.

Of course, there are a lot of alternative punch bags that let us get things out of the system in a healthier way. But sometimes no alternative punch bags are available. And perhaps the healthiest solution is to recognise those “grenades” for what they really are:

A few neurons in our brain clicking together for a moment in time. If we wait, and usually not for very long at all, those neurons will move onto clicking together to remind us of something else entirely. Possibly something very trivial.

"Ooh, Look, A Squirrel”.

Which is just another way of saying that things happening inside our minds (and absolutely everything we experience is happening there) will move on.


Discover Fee’s Wounded Soldier

Being There

I’m searching for video evidence that I can play live. It’s for a possible opportunity to get some gigs.

But even when I find some decent footage, I don’t believe that any video evidence can ever quite capture the sense of being there. For me, or any other performer. Nor for any audience member.

Live is live. It can’t really be anything else but Being There.

Discover Fee’s Best Live Performance Ever

(but you really had to be there)

Messing With Stuff

“Last Sunday I gave you my heart
The very next day
Was Monday”.

That, in case you haven’t noticed, is me messing with the lines of a well known song. I think my first steps into songwriting as a child (long before I wrote an actual song) involved doing this kind of thing.

Singing a few notes differently to an existing tune.
And changing a word here or there.

That’s creativity. Messing with stuff. It’s what children do. But it doesn’t have to stop when we become adults. It shouldn’t stop. It’s sad when it does.

Messing With Stuff should be a way of life. The world changes when we do.


Discover Fee’s Mess

The Wise Owl

The Wise Owl
Sat on his stump
Thinking wise thoughts.
But Wise Owl rarely smiled.

However

Once in a while
The Wise Owl
Got drunk.

And though getting drunk is certainly not wise
To no one’s surprise
After drinking a few Whisky and Ryes
Like the good ol’ boys
In American Pie
A smile
Was seen
To appear
On the face of
The Wise Owl.

If only for while.

Then the hangover kicked in.

And Wise Owl returned
To his stump again.

The MOK Run

I did it once. The MOK Run. The 10km version of the yearly Mull Of Kintyre race. Personally I find walking to be a far more enjoyable and dignified pursuit than running.

Today, as more usually though, I was only watching. But, as usual I was inspired. To the point of tears in one moment. I don’t know why that is. It’s a very community orientated event in Campbeltown, with many coming to watch and support. And then the runners themselves. All ages, and sizes, and athletic abilities, and all getting a sweat on, and, let’s be honest, suffering, in order to…..?

Well, what is it all for? Not for the glory, for the vast majority. Perhaps just the simple sense of pushing themselves to the limit. And still coming out alive.

Anyway, well done to all. Particularly to our friends, regular blog reader Peter and his wife Linda Thompson. Great job guys! And thanks for stealing us some Danish Pastries from the contestants stash. ;-)


Discover Fee Singing The MOK Run

“Would I Lie To You?”

So I’m giving up playing guitar and singing and writing songs. It’s a mugs game, and A.I. can do it far better now anyway. There are millions of songs out there in the universe already, and who in that universe is going to be disappointed if no more are ever written. By humans anyway. Also, it’s a constant battle to register any interest, even from people who like me and/or think that my songs demonstrate a modicum of talent. And though singing to myself is fun and therapeutic, it’s probably no more fun (or therapeutic) than watching old episodes of “Would I Lie To You?”

I am lying actually. But it’s probably true to say that variations on these themes flash through my head on occasion. In the darker moments.

And then I get an idea for another song, and the best laid plans of mice and men go belly up. I’m back on (or off???) the wagon again.

It turns out that, for better or worse, songs are my truth.


Discover Fee’s Music

The Kintyre Songwriters Festival

I was in a pub for a wee open mic session. Got introduced to a fella there.

”Do you know each other?”

Well, I did recognise him.

”I know you. We were in that Feed The World video during Covid?”

”Oh aye, I mind you now”.

This was a local Christmas version of that song, which we all recorded in isolation because of the covid regulations. But I got more attention from that than I’ve ever got from one of my many original songs. In fact, I immediately got invited to play at the Co-op Christmas party off the back of it. A gig I turned down. I really wasn’t the kind of performer they thought I was.

Despite that brief glimpse of super stardom, all I really want to do is play my own songs and make my own connections with any group of people, that appreciate fresh original songs, delivered with heart and passion.

And occasionally I get those opportunities. One coming up soon if you’re in the Campbeltown area. I’m playing The Kintyre Songwriters Festival on Friday 7th June. It’s a fantastic weekend for hearing original music of all types from local artists and more well known acts.


Discover Fee’s Music

(It won’t feed the world but it is home made)

Four Parrots And A Three Song Pee

Last Saturday evening I played songs at somebody else’s wonderful gig/art exhibition. While they went for a pee. Three songs in fact. That’s a full bladder in anybody’s language.

One of the songs involved a wee (sic) introductory story involving some parrots. It was a serious song, but as soon as I said the word “parrots” people started giggling. Maybe they were expecting a Monty Python sketch. I dunno. But I found it hard to keep a straight face myself. Honestly sometimes it’s hard to be taken seriously as an artist.

But, anyway, that was me last Saturday night.

Four Parrots And A Three Song Pee.

These are the moments that stay in the memory.


Discover Fee’s Parrot Related Song

ps. Sorry, no actual parrots contained within.

Humble Pie

I’ve had kickback. So I would like to make a retraction. Apparently, not everybody has rhythm in their bones. Not so much as a foot tap in there, so they tell me. And I can only take their word for it.

Humble Pie is currently being eaten in this house.

It turns out I’m not right about everything. Dang. Some lessons hit hard.

Discover Fee’s Music

Rhythm Is In Our Bones

My mum and my sister were in an “expressive” dance group at the church we attended when I was teen. Yes, it was awkward. (And don’t tell my sister I’ve mentioned this here either!)

But I wasn’t too traumatised. I’ve come to appreciate dancing in all it’s many forms. And I have been known on many occasions to “go for it” on the dance floor, after a couple of shandies. Free form expressive Dad dancing is the category I think.

It’s hard, even for the most repressed of personage, to avoid tapping their toe when a good beat starts up.

Rhythm Is In Our Bones. It will out. And even if it won’t, it wants to.

Now and then, at least, you’ve gotta let your bones have a say. Even though it takes a drop or two of the hard stuff to give them a voice.

Discover Fee’s Dancing Feet

Something

When nothing is working I find myself internally wanting to screa….

…sorry, got to stop myself there.

”Nothing”?

Really??!!

Something is working. How are these words appearing?

So? Work on Something ya numpty!

Discover Fee’s Music

All It Is

Keeping things simple is harder than it looks.

Suddenly, without much effort on our part, there are tangles. Clutter. Too much of everything.

And yet 100 percent of that everything is made up of a few neurons sending messages around in our brains. That is, in fact, All It Is, as far as our own experience is concerned.

Which might not make anything easier, but it is simpler. We just need to keep an eye on what those neurons are up to.


Discover Fee’s Music

To Doubt Ourselves

I’ve got a lot of admiration for the person who whole heartedly makes a Big Announcement to the world - one that changes their direction completely, and changes the perception that people have of them, sometimes for the worse.

Most of us, if we are brave enough to make the original change, will keep going along that new path once we’ve started. We may well do this simply out of a sense of embarrassment, derived from the public nature of our new journey.

And, in fact, often that is a good reason to make our Big Announcement. It helps us to commit to the path. We put ourselves in a position where the social pressure will help to keep us moving forward when uncertainty arises.

But what if the uncertainty was telling us something. What if the path does turn out to be wrong? What if it was wrong all along?

It takes particularly large cajones, and a great deal of humility, to then turn back. Kudos to those who can, when it’s the right thing to do, change their minds twice about the big decisions.

The ability To Doubt Ourselves can sometimes be our biggest gift.


Discover Fee’s Music

HomeSONG

I was listening to the song of a friend yesterday, and I suddenly realised that, on this blog called HomeSONG, I really haven’t put up very much music recently.

So I’m going to start posting songs again of live performances from home. Preferably from people I know or have a connection with mostly. I’ve had a few false starts with this idea previously I know. But you gotta keep on trying huh?

I know there are a few songwriter/performers reading this blog, so don’t be shy if you’ve got a live home performance you’d like me to put up. Or a recommendation for somebody else’s song.

For the moment they’ll just be appearing on the Facebook Homesong page in a separate post to the blog post.


Discover Fee’s Music

“Be Still”

One of my favourite bible verses during my christian days was this little phrase: “Be still and know that I am God”. Psalm 46 verse 10.

It was helpful because I had a very active and restless mind, and this verse helped me to slow down, to calm down, and to simply let things be. Sometimes at least.

But over the years I stopped believing in a specific “God” guy, and found my spirit lifted, far more in fact, by the simple but mysterious wonder and beautiful privilege of mere Life itself. The experience of life as we see it, is more than enough for me now. All of the conjecture and anxiety about the who’s, what’s, why’s and wherefores, a thing of the past.

I still adhere to a part of that bible verse though. A honed down version.

”Be Still”.

Discover Fee’s Music

The Streak

I’ve been a little bit inconsistent recently with my “Daily” blog.

These things happen. Life happens. It’s not all about keeping The Streak going, though that’s a nice challenge sometimes.

Every streak comes to an end at some point though.

Still, I’m very thankful that I have got a few streaks on the go. Particularly the breathing streak. I can’t tell you the exact amount of inhales and exhales, but I continue to appreciate that one most of all.


Discover Fee’s Music

The Northern Lights

There have been some really good sighting of The Northern Lights in our part of the world over the last few years. And we’ve missed all of them. Apart from a very distant flicker of green one time a few years ago.

Last night they were everywhere apparently. And we missed them too.

There’s a slight sense of disappointment of course. But we will only ever actually experience a tiny fraction of the available experiential options in life. And there are some really good ones available right now. So we’re going for a walk we haven’t done in a while up Deer Hill in our old stomping ground near Carradale. It’s a lovely day for it. No point living with regrets about the past.

Hope you enjoyed the lights if you saw them though. Jammy buggers! :)


Discover Fee’s Music

Learn To Smile

I sometimes find forgotten songs or lyrics that I’ve written. Bumped into the lyric below a couple of days ago, and then found a recording of the melody. It’s got a kind of ugly/pretty, darkness and light, contrast thing going on.

I like it. But I can’t remember writing it. It reveals echoes of a place I’ve come from, while I was reaching out for some wisdom on the journey.

Also it reminds me of a quote I read yesterday. I can’t find the source now, but it was something like: “A wise man is always cheerful”. Well, if that’s so, I’ve not been very wise for much of my life. Never the less, I’m undoubtedly starting to….

Learn To Smile

The Song Thrush sits
Top of the highest tree
Singing for you and me
She’s singing for you and me                 
And we can learn to smile

What do you do when you break
Do you start again?
Fight the same fights in the night 
Till the story ends
It’s not a good game to play
In the echo chambers of your mind

Pushing that rock to the top
Rolling it back again
Rolling it back to the start
Where it all began
Try ’n unravel the truth
Like a crazy man
Not a good game to play
In the echo chambers of your mind.

Push that rock till you drop

Still the Song Thrush sits
Top of the highest tree
Singing for you and me
She’s singing for you and me             
And we can learn to smile

It’s not the pain that hurts, it’s the hope
It’s not the faith that kills, it’s the Pope
Or the President, or the Papers who
Sell all their chloroform soap.
The chicken crossed over the road
Coz the News is a joke

Jesus is after your vote
Lives in a castle, high walls and a moat,
And he sits and he gloats 
At the sinners
Who swing from a rope.

Push that rock till you drop

And still the Song Thrush sits
Top of the highest tree
Singing for you and me
She’s singing for you and me     
And still the Song Thrush sits
Top of the highest tree
Singing for you and me
She’s singing for you and me           

And we can learn to smile
We can learn to smile
We can learn to smile
We can learn to smile


Discover Fee’s Music