Darker Moments

I hate conflict, but I had what for me was a highly stressful confrontation with someone I care about yesterday. It was intentionally begun by myself, because I felt, rightly or wrongly that it was necessary.

But it didn’t go well at all. And the levels of negative emotional activity in my brain soared for a period afterwards. I was very sad, and feeling very sorry for myself.

This sort of experience would have often lead to me collapsing into a vortex of depression and even despair in the past. But I sit here, the morning after, feeling calm after the storm.

There are few reasons for this I think.

- I’m older. There is a point in life where, simply by virtue of having come through lots of these storms in life, and survived, we recognise the transitory nature of things, even in Darker Moments.

- Afterwards I was able, and this has been helped by my meditation practise over the last year, to supplement that life experience by not identifying myself with the emotions that surfaced. They arise in consciousness, and disappear there too, and by acknowledging that and noticing them as appearances in consciousness, not who I am, they disappeared a lot quicker.

- I simply repeated this every time the emotions resurfaced. And I recognised that this experience too, would, before long, become a distant forgotten memory, like all the other darker events in my life. Again all of this seemed to lessen the impact.

- Finally, I went for a pint of Guinness and a couple of whisky’s in the evening with my wife. There were some nice tunes coming from the speakers. At this point I didn’t even need to talk about what had happened, even though Ineke was also aware of, and connected to the situation. It was, in fact, a nice end to the day.

So. Sorted.

Now I’m trying to work out how I could have approached the catalyst conversation better. Or even if it was necessary at all. As a recent blog that I wrote noted, first do no harm. I should perhaps read my own material sometimes. LOL.

So What

So what!?

I couldn’t work out whether that phrase should have an exclamation mark or a question mark after it. So I put both.

So what.

Maybe that’s it.

So what…

Because what matters to me, or matters to you, might not matter to him or her. Or them.

So What

It’s a kind of liberation.

First Do No Harm

“First Do No Harm”.

Whatever the origin of the phrase, I think it is an important injunction to those of us who try and get involved in the world, outside of our own immediate and personal concerns.

Help is own really help, if it is wanted, and it make the situation better.

That sounds easy and obvious.

But it involves taking our egos out of the equation. If your ego is anything like mine, it can seem bloody difficult. And it seems like this is true for many people, because unwanted, unhelpful help, is available everywhere I look.

There are some simple steps we can take though

Slow down
Relax
Observe
Listen

It isn’t so difficult really. And I don’t think it’s too late for me to learn.

Twenty Minutes

I looked at a picture in a book, that was sitting alone on a table at our local library yesterday. For about Twenty Minutes. I never do that. I’m not very visual, and I’ve never been greatly inspired by art.

The book was called One Hundred Views Of Mount Fiji with drawings produced by Japanese artist Hokusai in his seventies, during the 19th century. The named mountain isn’t alway prominent in the drawings, but it features in all of them.

As well as the drawings, the book also contains analysis about them, and about the motivations of the artist. I’m not qualified to say whether this commentary was right or wrong. But I was fascinated enough to think I ought to allow a little bit of time to look at one of the drawings. So I did.

The picture I concentrated on contains a scene with 3 men carrying out some operation involving ropes and axes in which they would be chopping down the limbs of a tree. Mount Fuji looks on in the background.

I didn’t try and see anything in the drawing. I just looked. But without trying I found myself noticing things. Things that made me think. I also spent a little time reflecting on the artist, and the connection, thanks to the time he took to notice and draw something 150 years ago, between our two worlds.

So those twenty minutes, surprisingly for me, didn’t drag, or feel like wasted effort. It was a kind of meditation.

I may well return to Hokusai’s world.

It’s Hard To Listen

It would change the world if the person, whoever it might be, at the listening end of the conversation…actually listened.

Listening is hard. It’s very difficult to remove our egos and preconceptions out of the conversation. Whatever that conversation might be.

My wife was upset this morning (it takes a lot for that to happen) about a situation that has been going on with various gas companies for years. She’s very persevering, far more than I would be with this kind of thing, and I even get stressed watching from the outside.

It’s a ridiculously simple thing too, but it’s still not sorted, simply because of a lack of listening. And that’s not just in regard to the many people who answer the phone when Ineke rings. It’s even more the lack of listening on the part of those who set up the systems in the first place.

You will have experienced all of this at some point, I’m sure.

I tried to listen to my wife too, when she got upset this morning. And then I thought I’d try and help her look at the situation differently. But in her words “thanks for trying, but it’s not helping”.

It’s Hard To Listen well.

Must Dash

Two people, familiar but not friends, met in the street and began to chat.

”The world’s gone mad” they said.

As one of them spoke about how it was that the world had gone mad, the other one gradually realised that she probably had a different concept of sanity to her conversation partner.

Where to go in the conversation from there?

Find the common ground? Challenge the ideas? Change the subject?

She briefly tried to find the common ground. That seemed like hard work for an idle chat. So she changed the subject.

But it turned out that even the British weather wasn’t safe ground anymore.

”Anyway, I’ve got to get the kids up for school”, she said.

“Must Dash”.

A Metaphor For Life

My apologies if you read this blog via email and didn’t receive it in your inbox for the last few days. I’m not sure how that happened. I’m not at all sure how I got it sorted, but I think it is now.

And, on that ringing note of endorsement, you too can get this blog via email (or occasionally not, perhaps) by hitting the subscribe button above!

And now, my additional apologies for making this particular blog you are reading about this blog you are reading.

I’ll admit that my writing, like me, is a little bit random. You never know quite what you’re going to get, when you’re going to get it, and if you’re actually gonna want what you got when you do get it.

Yay! I’m A Metaphor For Life!

The Little Bowl

I like this quote from another blog writing musician:

“What does it mean to be famous? One definition might be to be known and respected the places you go. That said…one way to achieve fame is to simply limit (or be content with) the number of places you go”.

The big fish in The Little Bowl gets a bad rap. Maybe because we focus on the idea of someone acting as though they are a big deal and being too scared to find out how little a deal they really are, by moving to a bigger bowl.

But the quote above, suggests it doesn’t have to be that way. It can simply be a conscious decision, on the part of any of us who create, to enjoy what we have. To be content with being known and respected in the places we are known and respected.

For most of us that will always be within a little bowl.

We can enjoy the kind of fame we do have, not live forever hoping for the kind of fame we probably never will.

(And we don’t have to be a big fish about it!)

Well Done Me

I’ve just released my 136th song. It’s not a special anniversary or anything. But I’m proud of the achievement.

There was no aim in my mind. No target I wanted to achieve. At one point in time I simply started recording and releasing a song every month. And here I am, 136 months later, still doing it.

There is lots of other credit to be given in this story. Particularly to my partner in crime on the recording side of things.

But in this moment I simply want to credit myself with starting a creative project….and carrying on with it.

That is all. Well Done Me.

The Brick Buddha

I was moving bricks yesterday. Two at a time. One in each hand. 75 steps to the new pile. 75 back to collect two more from the old. I did this for a couple of hours until the transfer was complete. I had my reasons. The main one being that my good wife had asked me to.

To be honest it was very enjoyable. In not doing too much at once (I started off carrying more) and going at a steady, un-rushed pace, It became a kind of relaxing meditation.

On this occasion, at least, I wasn’t focussed on the moment when the bricks would FINALLY have been moved. My word! That makes things far more exhausting in my experience. Especially the stage, near the end, when they have NEARLY been moved. That last stage is usually the worst don’t you think? It seems to last forever.

But this time….this time…. I was THERE with those bricks for the duration.

You can call me The Brick Buddha if you like.

Insufficient

Guilt and shame are sales tactics.

They are tactics that are used by unscrupulous double glazing marketeers and religious fundamentalists. And occasionally even by people we love and trust. Including ourselves.

If we can be made to feel Insufficient, they (or we) are a good part of the way to making the sale.

For some of us, and for a variety of reasons, it is hard to avoid being made to, at the very least, feel bad about ourselves, even if we aren’t persuaded to buy the product. And this kind of bad feeling can spiral into also sorts of negative emotions, none of them healthy.
In reality the tactics of guilt tripping and shaming are completely immoral.

There will be many good reasons for doing, or not doing the things we do. We should choose those reasons, and completely ignore the rest.

Right now, who we are is sufficient.

Doing That Thing

Giving and taking criticism is a very hard thing to learn. The attempt always, is to give it and take it as constructively as possible. But it’s not easy.

In regard to receiving it, we do our best and try to encourage it and take whatever is heading in our direction, and then feed it into our future actions and directions. Or sometimes, if it is of the destructive kind, simply ignore it. But that kind is a lot less common than we perhaps like to think. There is always something we can get from almost any kind of criticism.

However, there is an important action we can take on our part, however any of that goes.

We simply do it again. That thing we did.

Regardless of how much or little we consciously take from the various forms of feedback we receive, the simple act of

-Writing another song.
-Running another race.
-Standing on another stage.
-Hosting another event.

Whatever it might be, putting our heart into carrying on doing that thing, will make us consistently better at Doing That Thing.

I’m sure I’m preaching to the converted though…

Enter A Post Title

When I sit down and write this blog I am greeted by the command - “Enter A Post Title”.

Very rarely do I obey this command. It’s just not the way I rumble. With a blog or a song, in general. There are obviously exceptions. But to me it’s like asking an 18 year old boy/man to put a title on the story of their future life before they’ve actually lived it.

Let’s find out, hey? It seems more interesting that way.

Anyway, this life story is over. And, you’ll be pleased to know I’ve decided on the post title. This one seems self evident.

A Gentle Acceptance

Here in Campbeltown there is very much the sense that Autumn is beginning to creep its way in the door, and give Summer a little nudge in the opposite direction.

I generally find it to be a pleasing, restful time of year. Which surprises me for two reasons.

Firstly, it’s round about now that, back in the last century (that phrase makes me giggle), I would have been beginning the first days of a long year at school. And school was never usually something I looked forward to. At least after the primary school years.

And, of course, it is also the time when the nights slowly begin to creep in, here in the northern half of the northern hemisphere. There are going to be less sunlight hours, and it is going to get colder and darker.

So the cause of this pervading peacefulness is hard to put my finger on. And of course the usual moods swings can still come into play. I’m still capable of getting on edge about something.

Never the less, as the summer ends, the overall sense remains -

- A Gentle Acceptance of life as at is.

Free Will

There was a point in my life when I stopped believing in the particular sort of God and the particular sort of religion that went with that God. And I became agnostic toward the idea of a “God” in general. It was a completely transformative experience in my life, simply because up until that point everything for me had revolved around those beliefs and the outlooks that emerged from them.

It took a while (a few years, and in one sense it is still happening) to regain a sense of equilibrium and to build a new way of looking at life and my experience of it. Because pretty much everything had changed for me.

The key thing about my new world view is that it is fluid. It changes with the emergence of new information and evidence and experience. And that has been liberating to be honest.

But although fluid, that new world view had some core foundations. Possibly the main one being the notion of free will. The fact that we are free to respond, and actively do, in how we think and act. It is, in fact, a belief that is hotly debated in the world of philosophy. But most people believe we have it, one way or another, and that it is fundamental to our morality and ethics as human beings.

I’m not going to discuss any of that in detail. Suffice to say that I have had another transformative world view experience.

I no longer believe in the notion of Free Will.

And that change has come about through the simple realisation, after close observation, that I have not the slightest clue, not the merest inkling, what thought I am going to think next. There is no Me controlling it. It just happens. I suspect if you examine your own thought processes, you may well discover the same thing.

I’m definitely not trying to persuade or prove anything here though. However, whether true or not, there are clearly lots of potential implications for this bombshell of a change in my thinking.

In the meantime, although in one sense all at sea in my mental ship without that former anchor, just I was when God went and died in my heid, I am convinced that those implications do not need to be nihilistic, nor fatalistic, nor inconsistent with a motivation to live a better life and work towards a better world.

Quite the opposite in fact. I was told that without God there was no reason to do good. To bother with anything. And that is patently not true. I’m quite certain it’s not true in this case either.

But for now, there is a whole new way of looking at the world which I am needing to work out. I’m finding it quite fascinating and exciting actually.

Sorry to batter you with this personal revelation on a Tuesday morning, though.

Learning That Dance

We try to establish routines and practises which brings a sense of control and serenity to our lives.

In the meantime our conscious minds, our thoughts, and the streams of information that enter our perception from the outside world, are a maelstrom of complete unpredictability.

We try to change our lives for the better. But to avoid unnecessary suffering we need to completely accept what actually IS right now.

Life, a good life, is a dance between these two juxtaposed poles of order within chaos.

When we get it right, our steps, like a couple of dancers on Strictly, are constantly moving, but always in the moment.

Learning That Dance is a lifetimes work.

It is life.

Auto-Pilot Songwriting

I’ve just written a Christmas song. In August. It was part of a challenge among some songwriting friends. With this particular song I didn’t feel it at all. And not just because of the lack of snow, and red-nosed reindeer.

Ideally I like to start a song with some kind of urge, whatever that may be, to communicate something. Some emotion or thought that I want to get out of me, and into a lyric and a melody. But often, and understandably, when writing a song as a set task, that kind of feeling doesn’t materialise to act as a guiding rudder.

In these instances the songwriting process is an attempt to write something that touches the feelings and emotions of others, as though from a distant memory. There is a kind of Auto-Pilot Songwriting switch that needs to be turned on.

Writing this way is not nearly as enjoyable for me, to be honest. In fact I nearly gave up on this song at one point, because of that lack of feeling. But it’s finished now.

And you know, though I haven’t played it to anybody yet (it’s August! I’m not a supermarket!) it won’t matter in the slightest how little I felt whilst writing it - the important point is that they feel something when they hear it.

I know from experience that my emotional attachment to a song isn’t generally a factor in whether or not that happens.

Trigger’s Old Pa

Trigger the donkey was being visited by his old Pa. Trigger’s Pa was a donkey too. They resembled each other in that way. Though not many others.

His pa did most of the usual things that donkeys do. His own version of them anyway. Except for one irritating habit.

When Trigger’s Pa ate a thistle, he ate everything but the thistley part of the thistle. And then he’d leave the thistley part lying around.

He’d always done that.

And when Trigger, inevitably and painfully, stepped on one of those thistley thistle bits, that his Old Pa had left lying around, it reminded him of ALL the times that this had happened on previous occasions.

Trigger would then become triggered by Thistle Vision. And he could ONLY think about EVERY OTHER TIME he’d trod on Old Pa’s THUCKING THISTLEs! The SELFISH ASS!

But Trigger’s Old Pa didn’t have long for this world, and he wasn’t going to change anytime soon.

”It’s probably time to get over it”, Trigger thought to himself.

Something Is About To Happen!

I just had some liquid nitrogen treatment on my solar ketosis. Yep.

“This is going to sting”, she said. And then it didn’t sting that much at all. I’m not sure whether I was happy or disappointed.

But does it work the same with entertainment?

”Here for your dubious pleasure tonight, Mr David Fee, is about to perform. He’s pretty mediocre, to be honest”.

Would people be pleasantly surprised when (and if) I exceeded expectations? Or would they be secretly hoping for the worst? Probably not the way to get the very best out of that Mr Fee fella, though. But I don’t like hype either.

Anyway, some kind of introduction is usually helpful at these times.

But when the needle is about to be plunged in, or the entertainment is about to begin, we could do a lot worse than:

”Something Is About To Happen!”

Thank you and Good Night.

Better Do It Soon

Urgent: Needing to be attended to immediately, or very soon.

It’s not the last step. When the car is heading towards us without sign of braking we don’t have time to think ”it is urgent that I remove myself from this incoming disaster”. We just act and jump out the way. Hopefully on time. It’s our primitive response to very imminent danger.

But there are various degrees of urgency and they often come with some kind of warning. There is time to act, we are told, or circumstances suggest, and we Better Do It Soon.

There might be a few of these kind of warnings. But at some point, later down the line, “do it soon” turns into, “do it now”.

And if we are unprepared…if we’ve ignored all the Soon warnings…then when the Now moment comes…we tend to panic. We tend to respond in the primitive fashion - we jump - with no further opportunity to think it through. And sometimes it’s simply too late.

Thinking it through ahead of time is hard, I find. But there is no out of control car on my immediate horizon. Just the potential for one or two. So I’d rather put the hard thinking in, and where necessary the hard action, now.

It’s like the proverb -

The Early Bird Avoids The Psychotic Kamikaze Worm.