The Desk Of Life
Organised Chaos?
I get urges to organise everything. Especially computer stuff. Desk stuff. But, well, life in general. Everything in its right place. You know. Where I can control it.
And a tidy desktop is certainly a nice thing to have. Though usually, after my urges have been fed, a short way down the line, my attempts at order have …well, dissipated.
The Desk Of Life is another beast altogether. It isn’t, in anyway, a thing to be “in order”. Not at anytime. Not in a way we might like for sure.
That’s not to say that there isn’t “order” of some kind. But, to be honest, I think it’s mainly all beyond our ken.
But that’s OK.
Because on the Desk of Life, everything is already in its right place.
We either make peace with that, or we don’t.
ps. in the human world less is definitely more though, for those of lucky beans who are always able to obtain Stuff. Minimalism is trendy right now, it’s true, but there is a lot of value in working out what we really need.
Silk
It.
For once a warm summers day. I opened the door to the hut, and sat in the shade for a while, having just mowed the grass. The door was open and a fly flew in after me, making the usual buzzing sound. I ignored it, thinking it might fly back out the door. Very shortly I heard an extra intensity to the buzzing, which caused me to look up to the window at my left. The fly had got caught in a web. As I watched two spiders quickly approached their captive, with two others in attendance. And about a second after they reached it, the buzzing stopped and the fly was still.
I have seen instances of creatures preying on other creatures before. I have been one of those creatures. But this happened in such a short time frame, so close up, so clinical, that it made me ponder on the way in which life and death are so closely intertwined. Like Silk crossing over silk in an intricately constructed spiders web.
The scene above is repeated in various ways, billions of times, every single day. And like it or not, we are all a part of this same stark, but incredible reality.
Life and death aren’t really opposites.
They’re it.
Discover Fee Singing An Appropriate Song
We Need Us
…not somebody else.
Creativity, living a life, is so unpredictable and personal, that it makes the very idea of “I wish I’d written a song like that” pointless and redundant.
The goal is not to write a song (build a car, earn a fortune, live in the country, have a body) like that.
There are no satisfactory outcomes waiting to be achieved by trying to mimic another persons life.
We Need Us, not somebody else.
Discover Fee Building An Empire
Bug Spray
Flu Away!
The Flu Bug
Is not the most welcome member
Of The Insect World.
Unlike most insects
They do not contribute to Bio Diversity.
Only to Depleted Energy.
They are also a great boost
To the profit margins of
Paracetamol, Kleenex Tissues
And Lemon and Honey.
Fortunately
The human body is a wonderful machine
And will usually,
Eventually
Invent its own brand of
Bug Spray.
Hopefully today.
Discover Fee Aiming For The Other Side
The American Dream
We’re all dreamers now.
Over a period of recent history I have to come to the conclusion that I am not as disqualified from becoming the president of the USA as I had suspected, for most of my life, that I might be.
Perhaps we all set our sights a little too low. When they say that The American Dream is available to anyone, they really do mean it.
Anyway, we live in exciting times. Anyone else thinking it might be time to apply for a Green Card?
Earned My Dinner
Slowly does it.
I’ve not travelled by plane or train over the last couple of weeks. I have used the automobile. I have also journeyed by bicycle, by paddle board, by foot, by swimming and by kayak during this time.
My favourite forms of transport are all those self powered ones.
Generally slower, it’s true. Certainly needing more effort.
But I like the slower pace that is under my control.
I can properly observe the world that I’m passing through.
And, as an added bonus, I always feel like I’ve Earned My Dinner.
Win, win. Winner.
Understanding And Empathy
Good seeds.
So I did jump into my “taking sides” thing. I’m still not going to tell you what it was about, because that is pretty irrelevant. I explained myself in as clear a manner as I was able. And then waited a little bit nervously for a response.
Very soon I received one. It was full of …
… Understanding And Empathy.
Now, because I know the person with whom I was communicating, it seems crazy that I ever feared a different reaction. But, in truth, we can never know for sure. We’re all changing day to day. There is always an element of uncertainty in any interaction, even with those folk we think we know.
But, yes, I received understanding and empathy.
It still exists.
Of course it does.
I think these are the seeds we should all be planting as much as we are possibly able. We’ll all undoubtedly get an opportunity at some point today.
It shouldn’t involve any heroism. But we might need to put our flags down for a moment.
Discover Fee Advocating More Non-Heroism.
Take Sides
It’s difficult.
At some point we may well have to “Take Sides”.
For some of us that is an inevitable but almost impossible predicament.
Because even in the most seemingly straightforward of instances, it is not possible to break things down to the glorious, comfortable, black and white of Good vs. Evil. When we start to think a little a bit and to listen more to different points of view, it becomes a lot less easy to choose sides.
And yet we are living in a world where fewer people seem happy to play Devil’s Advocate and wrestle with the nuances of tribal differences. Less willing to accept those people who do. Instead sides are chosen with absolute conviction and certainty.
For many years I also found myself very happy to tie myself to my own particular flags of convenience. It’s the easier, mentally lazier, path. That’s why we take it. But that kind of blind tribalism is, to be very honest, a potentially fatal characteristic. Certainly damaging to our own personal development, but in the end, to us all as a community of human beings.
Never the less, despite an overall need for more nuanced world views and less iron clad certainty, at some point we may still find ourselves having to Take Sides. Or at least appear to take sides. This is a moment when we open ourselves up to conflict and misunderstanding.
Honestly, I struggle with all of that as I get older. These days I’d rather attempt to sit on the fence! I know how messy all that side taking can get.
Never the less sometimes there is a need to take a risk, and stick our necks out a little bit. Not out of certainty, but because it’s the right thing to do. Sometimes there isn’t a choice.
nb. You will observe that I have provided no examples above. I am in fact wrestling with a specific personal example at the moment. I’m just trying to frame the situation for myself, and build up a bit of courage. :)
Discover Fee Trying To See Things Differently
Finishing Line
Speed up or slow down?
We race towards every Finishing Line. Becoming frustrated because we’re not getting there quick enough.
Except for the last finishing line.
For that one we can’t slow down fast enough.
The Next Flower
Keep flying…
What is your pollen?
That’s the million dollar question. Because once you’ve answered that one, everything else comes naturally.
Simply fly to The Next Flower.
nb. these kind of “proverbial” statements can be both enlightening and frustrating at the same time. In this instance, for instance, we are not, strictly speaking, bees. Which is both a hinderance and an opportunity. For us life is more complicated. When it feels like a hinderance (being a human) … when we don’t know what the hell to do … then we probably need to make things much simpler. For instance … we can just start flying without worrying about anything as complicated as where we’re supposed to be heading. Maybe we have more bee-ish instincts than we realise.
Discover Fee Acknowledging A Hard Truth
The Worker Bee
And the next flower.
As the lethargy landed
And the atrophy set in
I watched
The Worker Bee
Fly to another flower.
Always moving.
Unquestioning.
A part of something
Much bigger than him.
Not searching for meaning
Or change
Or improvement
Or attention.
Seeking
Only
Pollen.
For a queen
Without a crown.
Up There
Where is it?
A fly landed on my knee while I was meditating with eyes closed.
The slight sensation of a tiny leg touching my skin. I know it’s a fly!
There are lots of other sensations happening at the same time. The sound and the feel of the wind. Distant voices. The weight and feel of my body on the bench. The automatic instinct to swat the fly away. The thought to try and not swat the fly away. Like a challenge, y’know? A car passing by. The sound of a bike passing very close by. More flies arriving on my knee (“hey, guys, this fella isn’t defending himself against imminent disease and painful death by Fly Power. Sucker!” shouts an imaginary voice in my head).
It’s all going on out there. And when I say “out there” I mean…well somewhere “up” there. Y’know, in my skull. It’s hard to place where any of this is happening really though. It appears to be happening “out” there. But it’s not really, is it?
It is actually all happening Up There.
But, then again, even the sensation of “up there” is…well …. “up there”.
So is that where “up there” is? Is it better not to think about any of this at all? Should we call the psychiatric ward yet? Is anybody still reading?
There are a million things to be distracted by, even before we switch on The Internet and get battered by “World News Events” or by an urge to eat a pancake.
Does anything really change? If it’s only happening “up there”?
As usual. I’m just asking. I find this all very interesting.
Don’t let me distract you from anything important though … :)
Discover Fee Trying To Work Out What To Ask
I know What You Were Thinking
Oh yes.
You’re wondering whether I actually Paddled Boarded aren’t you?
I know what goes through your mind when I mention that I was going to do something, and then don’t return to the subject in the very next blog. Or the one after that at the latest.
Well, I’m sorry to keep you on tenterhooks. But yes, I did paddle board. Not just once. I’ve paddle boarded twice since I mentioned the subject all of four days ago. (Please show a little more patience next time!).
I paddle boarded across the lake. Along the side of the lake. Down the middle of the lake. Round the odd island or two. (Little islands, not huge ones though. I don’t want to boast too much).
And though I was occasionally wobbly, I never fell off once. Even when the speed boats went past, doing their utmost to disturb my equilibrium. Even when I was in the path of the howling wind (slight breeze) that swept down the length of Brielse Meer (as the lake in question is called).
So, no. I didn’t not mention the paddle boarding because I fell off and was embarrassed to tell you.
Oh yes. I Know What You Were Thinking.
Orange Friends
Zonder Grenzen!
I had great fun yesterday watching the Semi-Final of the European Football Championships (ft. The Netherland v. England) in the Netherlands with my Orange wife and our Orange Friends.
I’m a big football fan. But to be honest, in international football, and for international sport in general, the most pleasure is to be had in the friendly rivalry to be found across borders and differences. Regardless of results, which are never guaranteed.
This is not a posture that English fans in particular are renowned for. And that is usually something which any half decent England supporter often feels the need to apologise for.
But, hey, perhaps, in the generous, kinder world we might be hoping to live in it might be better not to generalise too much about any single individual. Let alone a whole nation or race of people.
Whether that be in a good or a bad way.
Personally I’d like to relate to everybody according to what I see right in front of me, not according to the story that I’m supposed to believe about them, regardless of their past history or record.
And by that, I mean….Everybody. Every last one of us is who we are today because of various combinations of luck and happenstance. Either in a positive or negative way. And every last one of us has the potential today for good and evil.
Discover Fee Being Everybody’s Favourite Alien
The Appearance Of Conflict
Poetherapy
When I face The Appearance Of Conflict
My heartbeat starts to race
Yes, I have a tendency
To over react.
Like a dark star exploding in space
Sometime the conflict seems real
Often I just make it up.
Whichever story is true
I quickly lash out
And end up with egg on my face.
Of course reactions don’t appear without reason
They stem from a conflictual past
But there’s really no reason
When push comes to shove
The tension should not need to last.
If I sit and look at those feelings
They quickly disappear
Yes when I slow down
And embrace the truth
There really is nothing to fear.
Including the fear.
I know, it’s not great poetry. But it served its purpose. Thanks for enduring. :)
Discover Fee Getting Fixed Up
Do It Everyday
And the fear vanishes. Mostly.
The big advantage of doing something everyday is that the fear tends to vanish. Even if that thing is easier to do sometimes more than others.
Today I’ve been putting off doing something I really want to do. But, mainly because I only do it once or twice a year, I’m a little bit nervous. That thing being going out on my paddle board on the big lake a short walk away here in the Netherlands.
I’ll really enjoy it when I’m out there on the lake. And when I’ve got my sense of balance back. It takes a while, precisely because I’m only doing it occasionally.
And now, there is no more putting it off. Soon I’m going to bite that bullet.
But, partly for the reasons stated, I wish I could Do It Everyday.
Showing Up
No kidding.
Sometimes it flows. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it freezes over.
I’m in a wee period of struggling to get myself to the keyboard.
Is that the time to shut up perhaps?
I don’t think so. I mean no one pays me for doing this. But I imagine this writing as though I’m booked in for a life time of shows in Vegas. Like Elvis.
The audience doesn’t care how I feel. Or if I’ve eaten one too many doughnuts. Or if my voice is a bit dodgy today. They paid for a show and they are expecting a show.
In my case, I’m the audience demanding the show. I paid for the ticket, and I expect me to show up.
So I’m Showing Up.
Discover Fee Going Out In The Rain Anyway
Be Inspired
It’s magic.
Is there anything behind the curtain? Or under the hat? Or up the sleeve?
I dunno. Let’s see.
”Abracadabra!”.
Look. I’ve just magicked up a little something. Like every little something that I’ve magicked up before, it came out of nowhere.
Be Inspired. Honestly, it wasn’t that difficult.
Discover Fee Taking His Hat Off
The Middle Finger
Now it’s your turn!
The middle finger on my right hand has morphed into a weird bent shape over the years. It doesn’t hurt.
The only thing I can put this minor deformation down to is the amount of time, during those years, that I have been bashing that right hand hard on the guitar strings while playing a tune. The Middle Finger always takes most of the hit.
Guitar-wise I describe myself as a chord basher. It’s self deprecatory. I’m probably a little more nuanced than that in reality, though not by much. But I always wince a little when I’m described as a musician. I do feel a bit of a fraud.
It’s true that I love songwriting and I’ve come to like performing. But, I’m sometimes still tempted to use a quote of “Bob Dylan” as spoken by his puppet on the satirical British comedy Spitting Image, whenever I pick up the old geetar to play to an audience.
”I’ve suffered for my art….now it’s your turn!”
Discover Fee Embracing The Chord Bashing
The Voice Of Doubt
… can be doubted.
The Voice Of Doubt that’s saying (in a high pitched, squeaky, whiny screech…you may be familiar with the sound):
“Why are you doing this, when you could be doing that?”
or
”Why did you do that, when you could have done the other?”
or
”Why are you like you, when you could have been like them?”
You probably know the smell of that little doubty gnomic brain fart, with the annoying manner, who we tend to pay far too much attention to.
He may well be the voice of doubt.
But he too can be doubted.
And that’s a useful double-negative psychic jui jitsu move you can try at home sometimes. You’re welcome.
Discover Fee Facing Other Temptations