Take Sides

At some point we may well have to “Take Sides”.

For some of us that is an inevitable but almost impossible predicament.
Because even in the most seemingly straightforward of instances, it is not possible to break things down to the glorious, comfortable, black and white of Good vs. Evil. When we start to think a little a bit and to listen more to different points of view, it becomes a lot less easy to choose sides.

And yet we are living in a world where fewer people seem happy to play Devil’s Advocate and wrestle with the nuances of tribal differences. Less willing to accept those people who do. Instead sides are chosen with absolute conviction and certainty.

For many years I also found myself very happy to tie myself to my own particular flags of convenience. It’s the easier, mentally lazier, path. That’s why we take it. But that kind of blind tribalism is, to be very honest, a potentially fatal characteristic. Certainly damaging to our own personal development, but in the end, to us all as a community of human beings.

Never the less, despite an overall need for more nuanced world views and less iron clad certainty, at some point we may still find ourselves having to Take Sides. Or at least appear to take sides. This is a moment when we open ourselves up to conflict and misunderstanding.

Honestly, I struggle with all of that as I get older. These days I’d rather attempt to sit on the fence! I know how messy all that side taking can get.

Never the less sometimes there is a need to take a risk, and stick our necks out a little bit. Not out of certainty, but because it’s the right thing to do. Sometimes there isn’t a choice.

nb. You will observe that I have provided no examples above. I am in fact wrestling with a specific personal example at the moment. I’m just trying to frame the situation for myself, and build up a bit of courage. :)


Discover Fee Trying To See Things Differently

Finishing Line

We race towards every Finishing Line. Becoming frustrated because we’re not getting there quick enough.

Except for the last finishing line.

For that one we can’t slow down fast enough.

Discover Fee On A Slow Bus Journey

The Next Flower

What is your pollen?

That’s the million dollar question. Because once you’ve answered that one, everything else comes naturally.

Simply fly to The Next Flower.

nb. these kind of “proverbial” statements can be both enlightening and frustrating at the same time. In this instance, for instance, we are not, strictly speaking, bees. Which is both a hinderance and an opportunity. For us life is more complicated. When it feels like a hinderance (being a human) … when we don’t know what the hell to do … then we probably need to make things much simpler. For instance … we can just start flying without worrying about anything as complicated as where we’re supposed to be heading. Maybe we have more bee-ish instincts than we realise.


Discover Fee Acknowledging A Hard Truth

The Worker Bee

As the lethargy landed
And the atrophy set in
I watched
The Worker Bee
Fly to another flower.
Always moving.
Unquestioning.
A part of something
Much bigger than him.
Not searching for meaning
Or change
Or improvement
Or attention.

Seeking
Only
Pollen.

For a queen
Without a crown.

Discover Fee Moving

Up There

A fly landed on my knee while I was meditating with eyes closed.
The slight sensation of a tiny leg touching my skin. I know it’s a fly!

There are lots of other sensations happening at the same time. The sound and the feel of the wind. Distant voices. The weight and feel of my body on the bench. The automatic instinct to swat the fly away. The thought to try and not swat the fly away. Like a challenge, y’know? A car passing by. The sound of a bike passing very close by. More flies arriving on my knee (“hey, guys, this fella isn’t defending himself against imminent disease and painful death by Fly Power. Sucker!” shouts an imaginary voice in my head).

It’s all going on out there. And when I say “out there” I mean…well somewhere “up” there. Y’know, in my skull. It’s hard to place where any of this is happening really though. It appears to be happening “out” there. But it’s not really, is it?

It is actually all happening Up There.

But, then again, even the sensation of “up there” is…well …. “up there”.

So is that where “up there” is? Is it better not to think about any of this at all? Should we call the psychiatric ward yet? Is anybody still reading?


There are a million things to be distracted by, even before we switch on The Internet and get battered by “World News Events” or by an urge to eat a pancake.

Does anything really change? If it’s only happening “up there”?

As usual. I’m just asking. I find this all very interesting.

Don’t let me distract you from anything important though … :)



Discover Fee Trying To Work Out What To Ask

I know What You Were Thinking

You’re wondering whether I actually Paddled Boarded aren’t you?

I know what goes through your mind when I mention that I was going to do something, and then don’t return to the subject in the very next blog. Or the one after that at the latest.

Well, I’m sorry to keep you on tenterhooks. But yes, I did paddle board. Not just once. I’ve paddle boarded twice since I mentioned the subject all of four days ago. (Please show a little more patience next time!).

I paddle boarded across the lake. Along the side of the lake. Down the middle of the lake. Round the odd island or two. (Little islands, not huge ones though. I don’t want to boast too much).

And though I was occasionally wobbly, I never fell off once. Even when the speed boats went past, doing their utmost to disturb my equilibrium. Even when I was in the path of the howling wind (slight breeze) that swept down the length of Brielse Meer (as the lake in question is called).

So, no. I didn’t not mention the paddle boarding because I fell off and was embarrassed to tell you.

Oh yes. I Know What You Were Thinking.

Discover Fee Using Other Forms Of Water Vehicle

Orange Friends

I had great fun yesterday watching the Semi-Final of the European Football Championships (ft. The Netherland v. England) in the Netherlands with my Orange wife and our Orange Friends.

I’m a big football fan. But to be honest, in international football, and for international sport in general, the most pleasure is to be had in the friendly rivalry to be found across borders and differences. Regardless of results, which are never guaranteed.

This is not a posture that English fans in particular are renowned for. And that is usually something which any half decent England supporter often feels the need to apologise for.

But, hey, perhaps, in the generous, kinder world we might be hoping to live in it might be better not to generalise too much about any single individual. Let alone a whole nation or race of people.

Whether that be in a good or a bad way.

Personally I’d like to relate to everybody according to what I see right in front of me, not according to the story that I’m supposed to believe about them, regardless of their past history or record.

And by that, I mean….Everybody. Every last one of us is who we are today because of various combinations of luck and happenstance. Either in a positive or negative way. And every last one of us has the potential today for good and evil.


Discover Fee Being Everybody’s Favourite Alien

The Appearance Of Conflict

When I face The Appearance Of Conflict
My heartbeat starts to race
Yes, I have a tendency
To over react.
Like a dark star exploding in space

Sometime the conflict seems real
Often I just make it up.
Whichever story is true
I quickly lash out
And end up with egg on my face.

Of course reactions don’t appear without reason
They stem from a conflictual past
But there’s really no reason
When push comes to shove
The tension should not need to last.

If I sit and look at those feelings
They quickly disappear
Yes when I slow down
And embrace the truth
There really is nothing to fear.

Including the fear.

I know, it’s not great poetry. But it served its purpose. Thanks for enduring. :)


Discover Fee Getting Fixed Up

Do It Everyday

The big advantage of doing something everyday is that the fear tends to vanish. Even if that thing is easier to do sometimes more than others.

Today I’ve been putting off doing something I really want to do. But, mainly because I only do it once or twice a year, I’m a little bit nervous. That thing being going out on my paddle board on the big lake a short walk away here in the Netherlands.

I’ll really enjoy it when I’m out there on the lake. And when I’ve got my sense of balance back. It takes a while, precisely because I’m only doing it occasionally.

And now, there is no more putting it off. Soon I’m going to bite that bullet.

But, partly for the reasons stated, I wish I could Do It Everyday.

Discover Something Fee Tries To Say Everyday

Showing Up

Sometimes it flows. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it freezes over.

I’m in a wee period of struggling to get myself to the keyboard.

Is that the time to shut up perhaps?

I don’t think so. I mean no one pays me for doing this. But I imagine this writing as though I’m booked in for a life time of shows in Vegas. Like Elvis.

The audience doesn’t care how I feel. Or if I’ve eaten one too many doughnuts. Or if my voice is a bit dodgy today. They paid for a show and they are expecting a show.

In my case, I’m the audience demanding the show. I paid for the ticket, and I expect me to show up.

So I’m Showing Up.


Discover Fee Going Out In The Rain Anyway

Be Inspired

Is there anything behind the curtain? Or under the hat? Or up the sleeve?

I dunno. Let’s see.

”Abracadabra!”.

Look. I’ve just magicked up a little something. Like every little something that I’ve magicked up before, it came out of nowhere.

Be Inspired. Honestly, it wasn’t that difficult.


Discover Fee Taking His Hat Off

The Middle Finger

The middle finger on my right hand has morphed into a weird bent shape over the years. It doesn’t hurt.

The only thing I can put this minor deformation down to is the amount of time, during those years, that I have been bashing that right hand hard on the guitar strings while playing a tune. The Middle Finger always takes most of the hit.

Guitar-wise I describe myself as a chord basher. It’s self deprecatory. I’m probably a little more nuanced than that in reality, though not by much. But I always wince a little when I’m described as a musician. I do feel a bit of a fraud.

It’s true that I love songwriting and I’ve come to like performing. But, I’m sometimes still tempted to use a quote of “Bob Dylan” as spoken by his puppet on the satirical British comedy Spitting Image, whenever I pick up the old geetar to play to an audience.

”I’ve suffered for my art….now it’s your turn!”


Discover Fee Embracing The Chord Bashing

The Voice Of Doubt

The Voice Of Doubt that’s saying (in a high pitched, squeaky, whiny screech…you may be familiar with the sound):

“Why are you doing this, when you could be doing that?”

or

”Why did you do that, when you could have done the other?”

or

”Why are you like you, when you could have been like them?”

You probably know the smell of that little doubty gnomic brain fart, with the annoying manner, who we tend to pay far too much attention to.

He may well be the voice of doubt.

But he too can be doubted.

And that’s a useful double-negative psychic jui jitsu move you can try at home sometimes. You’re welcome.


Discover Fee Facing Other Temptations

Ready Or Not

Creativity is constant. Our creativity is constant.

We don’t ever really “close” our eyes or “empty” our minds. The light and the thoughts never stop even when we try to put them on hold.

So we don’t need to wait for the Muse to bless us with some new revelation.

We simply acknowledge the river that we’re swimming in.

The Muse has already found us.

Ready Or Not.

nb. Mostly not ready, it has to be said.

Discover Fee Coming Fourth Of July

From Another Perspective

Grass grows. We cut it and it grows again. If we don’t cut it the grass continues to grow and other thing grow as well. If nature is left to itself everything changes.

It becomes unkempt. Messy.

Or, From Another Perspective, it becomes more vibrant and diverse.

Like many humans I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to change things. Anything and everything. I think that, at heart, I’d like to be the kind of human who, instead, develops “another perspective”.

Discover Fee In The Garden

Everything Is Unfamiliar

Everything Is Unfamiliar.

New equipment and a new environment. I’m all fingers and thumbs. My brain is confused and I’m trying to get my bearings. The heart rate increases. Panic is trying to sneak it’s way in.

It’s not exactly a Mars landing.

But for some of us using a new piece of computer technology gives us a taste of what life is like for an astronaut.

For those reasons alone, this short blog came to you at a cost. And took quite a while to write. And probably to post too. Let’s find out.

Discover Fee In Space

Scheduled For Tomorrow

Scheduled For Tomorrow
If tomorrow ever comes
It’s gonna be in your inbox
As sure as I’ve got two thumbs
(Which I have)

It’s scheduled for tomorrow
Tomorrow is another day
And I hope there isn’t a meteorite
Heading our way
(I think we’re ok).

It’s scheduled for tomorrow
For tomorrow isn’t here
But I won’t have time tomorrow
So I’m scheduling it here.

(If you’re reading this…tomorrow arrived. Yay!)

Ps. Speaking of “inboxes” you can sign up to receive this blog in yours, if you haven’t already, and you' are reading my blogs regularly. It’s encouraging when you do. Thanks.


Discover Fee Scheduling It For Midnight

Remember This

I was having one of those many moments yesterday, when something, I can’t remember what, was on the very tip of my conscious. But still sub. Oh it was almost within in reach. But not quite. So I wrote a song (lyric below) as a reminder of that moment. Though not of the thing I was trying to remember itself.

Remember This

I think I forgot something
Coz there’s a little elf sitting there
In the corner of my tiny mind
He’s trying to remind me
But I think he’s taking the piss
Coz he keeps on whispering (very quietly)
”Remember this”

I think I forgot something
Coz the little elf sitting there
In the corner of my tiny mind
He shouts, “are you blind” (very loudly)
But he’s taking the piss
Coz he keeps on whispering (very quietly)
”Remember this”

But I can’t
No matter how I try
I think I’m gonna cry, cry, cry, cry, cry
No I can’t
I think I’m gonna cry

So I’m heading to church
And the little elf sitting there
In the corner of my tiny mind
Says “there’s something to find” 
But he’s taking the piss
And the bastard keeps on whispering (very quietly)
”Remember this”

But I can’t
No matter how I try
I think I’m gonna cry, cry, cry, cry, cry
No I can’t
I think I’m gonna cry

So I’m taking a pew
And the little elf sitting there
In the corner of my tiny mind
Well he’s on the wind up
Oh he’s taking the piss (“don’t swear, you’re in church”)
When he keeps on whispering (very quietly)
”Remember this”

Then he says “look in your pocket”
But my pocket ain’t got it
Now I know I’ve forgot it

I forgot the frickin’ rings
And the little elf sitting there
In the corner of my tiny mind
Smiles, but not in a kind way
He was taking the piss
When he kept on whispering (very quietly)
”Remember This”

He said “look in your pocket”
When he knew I hadn’t got it
Now I’m in for a rocket

From my previously best mate
And his beautiful bride to be.

Discover Fee Remembering Back To The Very First “Fourth” Recording 

A Happy Accident

Oystercatchers aren’t as smart as previously observed in this blog.

I once mentioned how I followed a small group of them as they fed close to Campbeltown sea front. For a couple of times they kept flying away in the direction I was walking. And then one of them “realised” that flying behind me would stop this happening, as I would now be walking away from them.

I now think that this was A Happy Accident.

Yesterday I was walking along a long beach and those particular Oystercatchers repeatedly had to move as I approached. One, hilariously, couldn’t be bothered to fly very often, and simply ran very fast. This carried on down the whole length of the beach.

It would be nice to think that our learning, the smart apes that we are, is a lot more in control than that of the Oystercatchers. But if I look at my own learning experience, a lot of the most important things I’ve picked up about life and living, have all been more like happy accidents, rather than the result of my great insights or mental endeavours.

In fact I’m starting to be done with the idea that I’ve earned any of my alleged achievements at all. Mostly, if not completely, it just happens.

There’s a freedom in that. And a responsibility to show compassion to myself and others for the very same reasons. Especially when we fail to achieve. For the very same reasons.

Discover Fee Experiencing Happy Accidents And Compassion

What Did Change?

So What Did Change?

Why do I play a song, for instance, with freedom and reasonably good technique when I’m alone in my room singing to the furniture, but start getting various degrees of anxiety and twitch when even one person is listening.

I know it doesn’t have to happen like that. I’ve had moments, even gigs, when it almost doesn’t. In those instances, I get into the right headspace. And getting into the right headspace always involves accepting the headspace I’m actually in right now. Even the bad space.

The fact that I feel my heart beat increasing in anticipation of “Me” being watched? Let it. Notice it. Feel it fully. Like every feeling ever, it doesn’t define me. It’s literally a few neurons acting up in my head because of millions of years of evolution.

And it’s not “Me”. I didn’t do that. I’m literally not responsible for it.

The good news is that our brains are malleable. It’s patterns can change. It can learn new patterns. This is the current science, but it’s also our experience if we think about it.

For now though, at this moment in this sentence, THIS is what it is putting out there. And until I accept what it’s doing now, I tend to find that what’s it doing now becomes what I’m attached to. Which is how the old patterns continue.

So I accept what it’s doing and watch it change again. Because, unlike Me, my consciousness, likes to be watched and given its due attention.

And it likes to change.



Discover Fee Letting The Clouds Drift On By